When I’m depressed, I want to be left alone. It’s not that I want to be by myself, I want everyone to disappear. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. It’s like no matter what I do, people are telling me I’m doing something wrong. The easiest way for me to feel better is to hide, it seems like the best option for everyone..
No matter what it is—work, hanging out with friends, exercise, etc.—I don’t enjoy things because the smallest details annoy me. If friends invite me out, I imagine catching a train, being cramped against unintelligent people, being too fat to try on clothes, having no money and all the other negative things. I think of every possible downside of something, which leaves me dreading the idea of doing anything. Seeing all those people, carrying on, living their happy little lives is an annoying reminder of my bipolar disorder and how I’ll never have that kind of stability. What’s worse is how I “entertain” people while manic. However when i happen not to be manic, these same people remind me of how ‘quiet’ I am and that I’m not being my usual “Crazy-Mia”.
Do they try to cheer me up, or do something to make me laugh? No. They just want their “Crazy-Mia” back. It’s annoying.
I turn into this repetitive-melancholic that no one wants to be around. I’ve contemplated suicide but the more I understand the problem, the more I know that depression is temporary and I don’t always think clearly during it. That self-reminder and knowledge of my disorder helps me from doing anything stupid. However my extensive knowledge keeps me maybe a little too high functioning.
When I think about the future, I don’t like what I see. I can only envision more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns.